Relating to Students

Relating to students is initiating and interacting with students in a manner that enables you to build rapport and get to know them.

Why Is This Important?

It has been said that "Relationships are the avenue for influence." In order for you to be effective in ministering to high school students and to build a spiritual movement, it is very important that you are able to initiate and build relationships with them.

During the adolescent years, kids are extremely "people-oriented." They are very concerned with being liked by others. Often it seems as though their entire world revolves around their concerns about who they know and how others view them. We must break into this world to help influence them for Christ.

What is it that makes a spiritual movement on a campus? Certainly it's the work of the Holy Spirit, the faithful sowing of the Word of God, the effective training and mobilizing of students, the saturation of target audiences, and the consistent prayers of concerned people. But 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 makes the point three times that even the best ministry activities amount to nothing without love. Loving relationships fit into that category. The person who learns to balance essential ministry elements with relating in agape love to students is the person who is more likely to see movement on his campus.

Scriptural Basis

Christ's earthly ministry is practically a textbook on how to minister to people by knowing how to relate effectively. His very close interaction with Peter, James and John, interaction with the Twelve, and His wide exposure with the large crowds demonstrated that He cared about people, interacting with them, and giving them God's Word.

So, why learn the skill of relating to students? Obviously, because it's not always an easy task. Sometimes we forget what it was like to be a high school student. Or maybe because of age differences, our experiences are far removed from theirs. Possibly, we haven't had as much time with students as we would like to, and consequently aren't familiar with their world. In any case, let's look at a process that can help us get closer to their world and begin leading them in the fulfillment of the Great Commission.

Tools That Will Help

• Books:

How to Really Love Your Teenager - Ross Campbell, Victor Books

So You Want to Lead Students - Chuck Klein, Tyndale

• Other tools:

School yearbook

School newspaper

Athletic programs

Student Venture's evangelistic questionnaires: Leadership, Heroes, Dating and Athletics

THE PROCESS

Here are the steps we will discuss:

1. Establish proper attitudes.

2. Study students and their world.

3. Meet students.

4. Establish common ground.

5. Become involved in common activities.

6. Build trust.

7. Maintain rapport.

1. ESTABLISH PROPER ATTITUDES.

In working with young people, it's important that we check our motives before we go out to build relationships with them. Why are we doing it? To become popular or liked by them (which will probably happen)? To build our own sense of self-worth or self-esteem? To use relationships to manipulate them in some way? Hopefully, we would answer "no" to all these questions. The love of Christ constrains us (2 Corinthians 5:14). We're aware of God's great love for these students. So many are lost, like sheep without a shepherd, and others are Christians who need leadership and training. We want to get to know them so we can help them know Christ better.

2. STUDY STUDENTS AND THEIR WORLD.

This is where it becomes fun. Become a student of the youth culture. Watch students in everyday situations--at work and at play; at the malls and movie theaters. Listen to them talk. Watch them interact. Try to figure out the meaning of strange words or phrases they use. Study the campus or community where you'd like to minister. Read the yearbook. Look over school newspapers and athletic programs. Attend as many school functions as you can. Interact informally with students. Ask honest questions which might help you understand how students think and feel. Take leadership surveys and meet student leaders, asking them questions about the school and common attitudes. Dating and athletic surveys will give you insight into students' attitudes toward these areas of their lives.

Relating effectively takes some research. But when you've done your homework, you're more likely to hit on their real needs and be talking about real issues, not just your perception of the needs and issues.

3. MEET STUDENTS.

The Leader's Help on "Meeting Students" covers a process to help you get acquainted with students. High school students are often very easy to meet, especially when you are friendly and interested in them and their world. You will notice that students tend to categorize themselves into groups. Each group has unique values and ideas. Don't limit yourself to meeting only students in one or two groups. Find out what differentiates one group from another. Here are some pointers to keep in mind while meeting students:

4. ESTABLISH COMMON GROUND

As you meet students, discuss things of common interest (news, community happenings, and sports). Look for special interests they might have;  the name of the rock group on their t-shirt, the school they attend, the job they have, the athletic activity they might be involved in, the records of the teams currently competing at their school, the type of car they drive; etc. While conversing, consider some of the following pointers:

• Be a good listener. Don't be the one doing most of the talking.
• Ask perceptive questions that will help them talk about themselves.
• Show an attitude of acceptance.
• Look for areas of common interest you have with a student.

5. BECOME INVOLVED IN COMMON ACTIVITIES.

At this point, in order to get to know a student or group of students better, it's important that you begin to spend more time together. You might get involved in common activities, like playing ball, shopping, attending concerts or various types of recreation. Sometimes, just taking students you know with you to run errands can be the most profitable time of building your relationships. These things can be done with students individually, but is usually more effective with small groups of kids. Student Venture meetings, Bible studies, small discussion groups, conferences, retreats, and training seminars can all provide opportunities to relate on a regular basis with a student. Obviously, we should try not to get so busy running the meetings that we lose the chance to build better rapport with the students and get to know them better.

6. BUILD TRUST.

Trust develops as you spend time together. Students are not looking for us to be their "best friends," but to model the lifestyle of our commitment to Christ. As students see consistency in what you say and do, some of the natural apprehensions dissolve, and stronger relationships are built. In building trust, it is important for a student to know he can be himself and not be challenged on every point he makes. It is equally important that he knows you are not afraid to confront him with truth in love when he needs it. The best help in balancing these two is recognizing that a teenager's need to experiment spills over into his conversations and relationships. He may say and do some shocking things. We would do well to learn to distinguish between rebellion and experimentation. Our handiest tool in this is learning to ask good questions and listening to the teenager's answers. Correction is heard best when we help him say it himself. So, develop the art of active listening. Also, as they see how you put Christian truths into practice, it gives them an example to follow.

7. MAINTAIN RAPPORT.

If we're not careful, students can drift out of our ministries, and out of our lives. Changes in their priorities or schedules can be caused by something as simple as a new job or a new girlfriend. These changes can effectively keep them from us if we're not careful. Of course, this wouldn't easily happen with a committed student with whom we work. But with others who are just beginning to show interest, we need to maintain contact. We should ask the Lord what part He would have us play in their spiritual needs. Following are some suggestions for keeping in touch with students whom you have shared Christ with, but are not highly active in your ministry.

• Keep a file of names, phone numbers and addresses of all the students you meet.
• Keep them posted on ministry events, outreaches and social get-togethers. (Keep freshmen and sophomores' names until they graduate, and even beyond.)
• Pray for students specifically.
• Look for students you know at school events. Make a point of going by to speak with them.
• Allow God to work in their hearts over a period of time. Someone who was not interested in Christ as a freshman may be hungry for the Lord the following year; so try to maintain rapport whenever possible.

An Important Distinction

Relationships are the avenue of influence, not the power of ministry. In other words, we don't wait until we have an extensive relationship with a student before we share Christ or otherwise minister. If you saw someone drowning whom you didn't know, would you hesitate to rescue him? Of course not! In the same way, we take the first opportunity to minister and share Christ. But the breadth and depth of our ministry is affected to a great extent by our ability to relate well with a variety of students.

Solutions to Possible Problems

Q: What if I feel awkward or out of place around students?

A: It's only natural that sometimes we may feel like we don't completely fit into their world. The goal is not for us to be totally comfortable, but to be reaching out to help them. If we concentrate our focus on them, rather than ourselves, God's love will build the bridges we desire. The more we step out in faith to relate to students, the more God will sharpen our ability to build relationships with them. God promises us the ability to love anyone by faith. Read Transferable Concept #8 for help in loving by faith.

Q: What if I am not good at "small talk" or "shooting the breeze"?

A: That's okay! We all have different personalities and styles of communicating. What we can do is learn some aspects of the students' school, and current trends that will give us something substantial to discuss with them. Be sure to read the school newspaper and keep abreast of their school's sports activities. Periodically, leaf through a current youth magazine. These will aid your ability to communicate, and enjoy it!